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Matt’s mailbag: Neff addresses golfers and those not in the business

By |  December 4, 2015 0 Comments

Matt-NeffWith the end of the year rapidly approaching, many people are tying up loose ends so they can hit the ground running in 2016. In the course of evaluating my year-end to-do list, I realized I had some unanswered (and completely fake) mail I hadn’t responded to yet from readers who apparently are not in the business. I figured I better get it knocked out now, especially since I couldn’t come up with a real topic this month. So I’ll get right to it.

Q: I’ve seen “Caddyshack,” so I obviously have a pretty good idea of what golf course maintenance is all about. How many gophers would you say you kill in a given week?

A: Dozens, my man, dozens. Our mechanic mounted a .50 cal on a Workman last winter, so it got real for those little guys in a hurry this season.

Q: Is it true that women find you irresistible when you tell them you’re an assistant superintendent?

A: Absolutely, especially when they realize how much free time and money you have for elaborate summer vacations.

Q: Is it true that people in your business use work as an excuse to get out of doing things like going to weddings of people they barely know or other similar gigantic wastes of time?

A: No, that’s ridiculous. Here’s a question for you, reader. Why do people invite a bunch of their friends to birthday parties for their infant children?

Q: Just a quick tip for you to pass along to your readers: Whenever I’m playing golf and am not close to a bathroom or some trees, I find that stepping behind my cart provides sufficient coverage, even if parked in the middle of the cart path.

A: Um, no it doesn’t.

Q: I have a few questions for you. Is there ever any reason to intentionally extinguish or otherwise dispose of a cigar on a green or other playing surface?

A: Nope, none – literally absolutely zero… ever. Just to be clear, NEVER DO THIS. Fidel Castro himself wouldn’t do this, and he’s a Communist.

Q: Follow-up question. How about taking a divot out of a green, either out of anger or because my buddies wanted me to do my hilarious Happy Gilmore impression?

A: You didn’t put a return address on your letter. Send me your address and I’m sure I could find a few people who would be more than willing to stop by and give you a detailed answer.

Q: Last one. I like to employ the scorched earth approach to driving range tee usage. For whatever reason, routinely leaving a 5-foot by 5-foot patch completely devoid of turf is oddly satisfying to me. Thoughts?

A: Never contact me again.

Q: No offense dude, but you’ve been an assistant for a while now. Are you ever going to find a superintendent job?

A: I would like to think so. If I keep working hard, I’m confident that I’ll eventually… wait… is that you, boss?

Q: I just wanted you to know that you’re easily the best assistant superintendent in the world. You really know how to keep that grass green, dear. I love how your column is always well written and consistently combines your keen sense of humor and obvious intelligence. I also like how you don’t use profanity in it.

A: Thanks, Mom. But to be completely honest, I don’t think profanity-laced trade magazine articles are common.

The last order of business for the year is to thank all of you for reading Golfdom and this column throughout the year. I’d also like to wish all of you a happy and safe holiday season and a successful 2016. To my fellow assistants out there who are trying to advance, hang in there. Next year could be the year, so don’t give up.

This article is tagged with and posted in Columns

About the Author: Matt Neff

Matt Neff is the assistant golf course superintendent at Wedgewood Golf & Country Club in Powell, OH. He is a graduate of Malone College in Canton, Ohio, and obtained his turfgrass science degree from The Ohio State University. He has been writing for Golfdom since 2013.


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