If movies had more golf-centric themes

There is so much negativity in the news these days that I would like to offer up a rewrite of a column I did back in 2008 for a regional publication called Florida Golf Central. This publication has grown to become Southern Golf Central. Owner/publisher Terrie Purdum also is the driving force behind the “Turf Life” movement, which supports all aspects of sports and games played on turfgrass.

I’ve always been a movie fan. I remember as a kid walking or taking a bus to downtown Tampa on Saturday mornings to see cartoons, Flash Gordon serials and the main feature, usually some sort of action/adventure like a western or swashbuckler picture. Now I live at the epicenter of the movie-making industry. And now, on with the show! I mean column.

Hi! My name is Joel and I’m a golf addict. People who love golf know that the game isn’t a matter of life and death. The truth is, it’s more important than that. If we couldn’t get our weekly fix of chips and chili-dips, we’d go nuts. No one knows better than me how pervasive golf can be in our golf-centric lives.

What if filmmakers adopted more golf-centric themes into their movies? Let’s take a look at some examples of what could have been.

Sleepless in Seattle: Superintendent vents fears and anxieties about hosting an upcoming member-guest tournament on a national radio call-in show. A reporter does a follow-up story about SSS (superintendent stress syndrome). They fall in love and start a national superintendent support group with offices in the Empire State Building.

The Sixth Sense: Supernatural tale about a turf student who sees dead grass. He ends up working for a veteran superintendent played by Bruce Willis. Using the kid’s special gifts, Willis corrects turf problems before they happen. Nevertheless, Willis’ career is dead. The club wants to “take it to the next level.”

Titanic: The name of a new fungicide developed by Gen-X scientists combats snow mold on bentgrass, but it turns out it does not protect against ice damage. Can the young lab rats prevail against the corporate heads who want to market the flawed product?

As Good As It Gets: OCD personality can’t sabotage this superintendent. Special event goes off without a hitch. Weather cooperates. Crew goes above and beyond. Members publicly praise the superintendent at the reception. This is a fantasy sure to delight all superintendents.

When Harry Met Sally: Romantic comedy about two superintendents who meet and fall in love at a Golf Industry Show. When fuel prices get so high that long-distance dating is impossible, the couple must decide where the grass is greener. The funniest bit is when Harry and Sally are in a LESCO truck and she reads the label on a bag of organic fertilizer…

2001 Turf Odyssey: “Hal,” the irrigation computer, shuts down the entire system when the superintendent tries to override the ET rate setting. While the turf dies, Hal illogically maintains the prime directive from the local water management district. The superintendent and crew save the day by hand-watering daily until the rainy season begins.

Iron Man: The story of a former golf course superintendent turned equipment salesman. Our hero must adjust from the caterpillar-eat-grass world of turf management to the dog-eat-dog world of sales quotas, endless traveling and sponsoring local chapter events.

The Dirty Dozen: Twelve pin placements during a major tournament that shocked the golf world. Hidden cameras in this docudrama reveal the sadistic elation of committee members as touring pros 3- and 4-putt greens. The superintendent is forced to go into the witness protection program.

Got a great movie that needs to be adapted to the world of superintendents? Tweet it to us @Golfdom and use the hashtag #SuperMovies.

photo: pixabay.com/TreptowerAlex