joel jackson

I typically write about the political and operational issues facing superintendents, but this month I thought I'd have a little fun at the movies. So here goes:

Indiana Spackler and The Curse of the Fastest Greens: Bill Murray reprises his role as Carl Spackler, who has since shaved and become a GCSAA member. Spackler trades in explosives for education. Admittedly not as hilarious as the original, but clueless club members still provide plenty of comic relief for insiders.

Iron Man: The story of a former golf course superintendent turned turf equipment salesman. Our hero must adjust from the caterpillar-eat-grass world of turf management to the dog-eat-dog world of sales quotas, constant travel and endless solicitations from local chapters in need of sponsors.

Sleepless in Seattle: Superintendent vents fears and anxiety on national radio call-in show about hosting an upcoming member-guest tournament. A reporter does story about superintendent stress syndrome. They fall in love and start up a superintendent support group with offices in the Empire State Building.

Sixth Sense: Supernatural tale about a turf student who sees dead grass (it's everywhere). The student ends up working for a veteran superintendent, played by Bruce Willis. Using the kid's special talents, Willis corrects problems before they happen. Nevertheless, Willis' career is dead. The club wants to take it to the next level.

Titanic: A new fungicide developed by Gen-X scientists combats snow mold but does not protect against ice damage. Can the young lab rats prevail against corporate heads who want to market the flawed product?

As Good As It Gets: Obsessive-compulsive disorder can't sabotage this superintendent. Special event goes off without a hitch. Weather cooperates. Crew goes above and beyond. Members publicly praise superintendent at reception. A fantasy sure to delight the whole family.

I Am Legend: The biography of Old Tom Morris. Young Tom, played by Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter fame, invents turf management in a pre-academic world. Old Tom, played by Sean Connery, is a master club maker and top golfer, although he must still use the club's rear entrance.

The Bucket List: Superintendent roams a 54-hole golf complex one weekend on a front-end loader slated to be junked for parts. Looking for projects, he works through the nights rebuilding tees and bunkers. But the tractor blows a head gasket and cracks the engine block, sealing its fate to the scrap heap. Moral of the story: It's better to wear out than rust out.

2001: A Turf Odyssey: "Hal," the irrigation computer, shuts down the entire system when the superintendent tries to override the ET rate. While the turf dies, Hal illogically maintains the prime directive from the water management district. Superintendent and crew save the day by hand watering with hoses until the rainy season starts.

When Harry Met Sally: Romantic comedy about two superintendents who meet and fall in love at the Golf Industry Show. When fuel prices get so high that long-distance dating is impossible, the couple must decide where the grass is greener. Funniest bit is when Harry and Sally browse a Lesco truck and she fakes an orgasm over latest biostimulant on the market.

Ocean's Eleven: Former superintendent Denny Ocean builds an 11-hole golf course in Las Vegas using money from a casino heist by his brother Danny. The course does not meet USGA qualifications for handicaps, but it does provide faster rounds to help grow the game. The brothers find it is a great way to launder stolen money.

The Dirty Dozen: 12 pin placements during major events that shocked the golf world. Hidden cameras in this docu-drama reveal the sadistic elation of committee members as professionals three and four putt greens. The superintendent is forced to go into the witness protection program.

Certified superintendent Joel Jackson is executive director of the Florida GCSA.