How to Kick Them Out
March 1, 2009 By: Geoff Shackelford GolfdomWhere there were once waiting lists to get into country clubs, now members are lining up to get out. One totally unofficial count says 11,000 memberships in the greater Palm Springs, Calif., area are finding no takers.
 Geoff Shackelford |
Whatever happened to the days when people thought you could take all this money with you to that Big 18 In The Sky National?
Normally, when clubs consider a prospective member, they post a short biographical sketch along an airbrushed photo of the candidate in case other members want to prevent the club from taking in a bad apple. However, a similar process does not occur when there are waiting lists to get out.
It's high time we change that.
Picture this: You post airbrushed portrait photos along with short full-of-lies bios with the hope of pushing the least favorites out of Bushwood Country Club. Granted, there will be the usual locker-room vandalism, so no flashing of their pearly whites in their photos, which are too easily blacked out by a Sharpie.
Why go to all this trouble, you ask?
If the candidates for departure are as wonderful as I suspect, you never know what might happen. Just maybe their fellow members might chip in and buy out the lucky souls, delivering much-needed cash to club coffers.
Don't believe that my economic stimulus plan has merit? Here are a few samples. Tell me this won't work!
Take Sal Monella. Mr. Monella was, up until his investment bank's demise, a specialist in credit default swaps for Lehman Brothers in New York. Realizing there was little future at his firm, Mr. Monella left last summer before the collapse of Lehman to join Bernard Madoff's firm as a special consultant, recruiting club members to invest in the greatest Ponzi scheme since the official World Golf ranking. While the board understands that it will be difficult to buy out Mr. Monella's membership because he bankrupted so many of you, we still hope that you will consider sending him back to the public courses he so despises. While Mr. Monella carried an Index of 12.2, remarkably his last 12 posted scores were 84s.
And then there's Ginger "Homewrecker" Wanton. She was formerly married to the beloved Jerry Wanton, who fell into the club pool while drunk and drowned despite being watched during the entire struggle by a giggly Ginger, who was acquitted of all charges. Ms. Wanton used her $1 million settlement from the club to specially design a hand-crafted pendant with diamonds forming the club logo. As a member of the green committee, she lobbied successfully against the club master plan that would have added forward tees, insisting the club's 200 female players with average handicaps of 35.8 enjoy playing a 6,300- yard course.
We can't forget O. Kevin Stevenson III. When he joined, the membership committee was under the impression that the "O." stood for Octavio, a beloved family name traced to Kevin's great-great-great grandmother, a mistress of a former king of Spain. But after eight years of membership and only his immediate family able to tolerate his stoic ways, we prefer to think of it as a "0" in front of Mr. Stevenson's name. Carrying an Index of 19.4 on a really good day, Mr. Stevenson has been plagued by extreme bitterness over the fact that his wife Mahogany and sons Robert Louis and O. Kevin IV are all better golfers than O. Kevin III.
The board is offering his membership at a very low price, so please contact Sheneesha O'Mulligan in the membership office for more information on this fine candidate, or any other members you'd like to see thrown out as soon as possible.
Geoff Shackelford can be reached at
geoffshac@aol.com
. Visit his Web site at
www.geoffshackelford.com.
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