Are you ready for some Fantasy Greenkeeping?

In my opinion, the massive popularity NFL football currently enjoys has virtually nothing to do with the game itself, but everything to do with fantasy football and gambling.

I think we can all agree, given the similarities between golf maintenance crews and professional football franchises, that it’s only a matter of time before a fantasy game based on golf turf sweeps the nation. Good news: Golfdom is at the leading edge of this wave. Welcome to Fantasy Greenkeeping.

GCSAA has been working tirelessly for years to educate the golfing public about what we do and our importance to the game. Inexplicably, they have completely missed the obvious solution that Fantasy Greenkeeping provides. Look what it’s done for football! 

Scoring varies from league to league, but the typical Fantasy Greenkeeping team consists of two superintendents, three assistants, two mechanics and two crews. 

Superintendents

Your fantasy football equivalent is the quarterback. You must draft a backup superintendent in case your starting superintendents’ club decides to “go in a different direction” or whatever other euphemism they use for cutting costs. The super is your leading point scorer, so you can’t expect to win without one and we all know how worthless the waiver wire can be. The Latshaws, Shaffers and Tritabaughs of the world are going to fly off the board early so you better have a Plan B, C and D.

Assistants

Each team plays three assistants. Since there seems to be a steady stream of assistants leaving the business, you never know when one of your guys will call it quits. Having to draft three admittedly creates a bit of a problem since no one knows anything about us assistants except our immediate family and friends. Fortunately, Golfdom will be releasing their inaugural Fantasy Greenkeeping draft guide soon and even more fortunately (for yours truly) they are going to pay me crazy money to serve as the Fantasy Greenkeeping draft expert. So soon, you’ll have volumes of data on literally every assistant in the country — and I’m not talking about height, weight or 40-time. I’m talking significant stats, like ‘number of sick days taken last season.’ 

Mechanics

Again, two are necessary so you’re not left short-handed in the event that one of them finally goes off the deep end when they see the topdresser pulling out of the shop one morning. In fantasy football you’re in trouble if your stud tight end gets a concussion, in Fantasy Greenkeeping you’re in equal peril when your mechanic takes a job at the local Mercedes dealer. Your mechanic isn’t going to be your leading scorer, but he’ll be a consistent source of points that will help you stay in the mix during a bad week.

Crew

Drafting a crew will be the same as drafting a team defense in fantasy football. In other words, you’ll draft an entire course’s crew, not individual crew members. Coming off an unprecedented double major season, the crew at Pinehurst No. 2 is ranked number one, so expect them to go early. You’ll need to draft two crews because, like the bye week in fantasy football, you have to be prepared for that week when a couple of the guys turn 21, or when one of the guys’ parents goes out of town for the week, inspiring the majority of the crew to get hammered at that guy’s house every night.

So let the trash talking and vulgar team naming begin. This is our ticket to the mainstream media bonanza that will vault our profession into the national consciousness. Once this takes off, maybe we can help our colleagues in the pro shop start their own league. 

I’m thinking Golf Pro Cage Fighting.

Illustration: freedigitalphotos.net / vectorolie